Thursday, October 25, 2012

Totally Unrelated Photo But At Least I'm Posting

Yesterday I met a dear friend for lunch. And coffee. And there might have been a pre-lunch coffee with another dear friend as well, since I was already in town, with lipstick, wearing clothes and all. These things are not supposed to happen. I'm not on sick leave to do pleasant things and enjoy myself, I know I know I know. And so I was punished thoroughly afterwards and through the night and all of today and probably will be tomorrow as well. So, yes, I got the message. Am not well, should not pretend to be. But oh, how sweet it was to not be in bed! To fake normalcy! If only for a couple of hours. And oh, how I've been paying the price for my audacity. But yes, lesson learned. Will not happen again. Bedridden it is. Bedridden with an extra sideorder of guilt and not a lipstick in sight. Oh joy.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I've learned my lesson the hard way (yes, I did once give away that Omar of The Wire got shot, before it was public knowledge, and man were you angry with me), so will not share any clues this time in either words or photos. Can I just say that the episode above is killing me right now? You who have seen it will know why. You who haven't, download away.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Monday Monday

I listened to a podcast the other day, where a man who had lost two of his three sons talked about the blessings of boring, ordinary days. How one of his friends had said "If I knew I only had twelve more months with my child, I'd stop working and spend every waking moment at her side." And this man in the podcast explained how he and his wife had felt differently, how the normal and the mundane helped them through the darkest hours, days and years. How going to work, making lunch, taking the bus, tucking the boys in at night, helped them and gave them a little rest in between the pain, the frustration and the paralyzing grief. The blessings of ordinary days.

And sometimes when we end up in the kitchen, all of us doing our different things but sitting there together, doing them side by side, sometimes when I look beyond the piles of laundry and the homework and the early mornings and the painful nights when there's no chocolate left, not even in the secret stash, then sometimes I catch a glimpse of it and it's the strongest and prettiest thing I've seen. The blessings of our ordinary days. You say boring? I say bring it.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Extraordinary Ordinary

Thanks to a midwife and doctor who have seen me pregnant before, a supportive family and the Swedish healthcare system (I LOVE YOU ALL), I'm now on sick leave. I stopped working a couple of weeks ago and fill my days with a mix of pain, nesting, nausea and happiness. It never ceases to amaze me that I live in a place where I can do this without putting my family at risk. We're not going to end up on the street just because I can't work. I know our system isn't perfect, what system is, but the way Sweden takes care of its mothers-to-be gives me hope. We might be doing a whole lot of things wrong, but this, this we're doing just right.

So our days pass a little differently than usual, but then again, they have been for the last seven months or so. 2012 will be definitely be named The Year Of Pregnancy in our book. Just as 2003 was. And the bigger part of 2006. It's just how I work (or rather, my body). I still find it nothing short of amazing that there are women, most women actually, who go about being pregnant like it's no biggie. Happy, many of them, and bigger around the waist. But apart from that... business as usual. Amazing. No throwing up? At all? No hospital, no IV lines, no nothing? Yes, amazing. But I digress, I was going to tell you about our days. The extraordinary ordinariness of our days.

Oh, but I can't! Sorry. Turns out it's time to pick B up from pre-school. Yes, well, ok, sorry about that. Will be back.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Sleep Update

Thanks for asking. I slept like a baby last night. (A tired baby, not the crying kind.) Your support was overwhelming. Many thanks for kind texts, e-mails and Instagram cheers. It's so very good to have company.

True Colours

I love this season. I love how undemanding it is. How I'm allowed to stay indoors and not be sociable unless I want to. How I can dress in clothes that are warm and actually comfortable. I know, I sound like an hermit dressed in blankets. But really, there's something so forgiving about fall. We lower our expectations and relax a little. No need for everything to be perfect, as in summer or at Christmas. No need for filling the days with big and important things. We're just muddling through. Lighting a fire at night, falling asleep too early, drinking our tea, doing what needs to be done, but not that much more. And it is oh, so good.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I Realize There Are People Out There Who Do This A Lot

I didn't sleep last night. It's like my body and brain are battling each other for existence and neither of them is very happy with the other. I lie there, wide awake, like a stranded whale, wheezing and huffing and puffing. I try to roll over to the other side and it's almost impossible. And then my brain wakes up and starts being annoying. Really annoying. Here are a couple of things I pondered between 2 and 3 a.m.

My son's homework
Head lice
Our plastic Christmas tree (did J threw it out?)
The fact that I'm not reading anything I like at the moment
Child birth (all kinds)
Head lice again

At 3.20 a.m. I went downstairs, had some cereal and Instagrammed a couple of hours away. I was bored to the point of tears. Insomnia. Such a totally useless state of mind. I realize I'm spoiled with sleep. It's usually one of my super powers. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow. So this is... weird. Weird and temporay. And my heart goes out to the many who battle this on a daily (nightly) basis. God, you must be so tired.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

On Our Minds

W worries a bit about the new baby. B is all excitement, but then she doesn't know better, as her big brother put it. He does. He worries that the baby is going to take Blanka's place and then she'll take his and there won't be anything left for him. No attention, nothing. "Since I'm so big that noone's going to look after me or anything." He'll be nine in November. My very big heart.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

With Many A Winding Turn

I stayed upstairs for a while, listening to my mother and the children in the kitchen. Doing cross stitches and building lego dragons, talking about dinner and school and who had done what to whom and why. And it was so comforting, so soothing to hear their voices, that I fell asleep right there and then. Fifteen minutes well spent.

Tomorrow I'll try to get back on track camera wise and show you something that's a little more current than summery roads. But what a good road that was. Warm, dusty, empty. Empty but for me, wearing a wet bikini and a summer dress, riding a borrowed bike and scaring the cows with my laughter. A good road and a good summer.

But we can talk about that later. Thanks for reading.

Monday, October 1, 2012

So Here's What Happened

I started throwing up. As I do. When pregnant.

And I couldn't stop. As I can't. When pregnant. And so I threw up for eleven weeks and after that I was in no shape to either talk, walk or blog. 

I'm now 32 weeks and larger than life and a big mess of feelings, hunger, nausea, back pain and guilt. As of today I'm no longer working and it makes me feel both relieved and a little anxious. Like I'm cheating. Like I'm supposed to be able to handle this. Being pregnant, taking care of my family, making money, writing great stuff. But I can't. It doesn't work for me. So that's it. I'm taking the money making and the writing out of the equation and hopefully that will help with the other parts. The guilt, well, I'll be working on that.

But it feels good to be back here. I haven't visited this place in months and I don't know what will happen now. Will anyone read this? Is anyone still here? To tell you the truth, Blogger's made so many changes since I last posted anything that I don't even know if I can still manage this thing. But I'll try. And I'll be back tomorrow. Hope to see you then.